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Around the Water Cooler

By August 11, 2011April 3rd, 2020Short Stories


Office Politics.
Having a career/job is a way of life for most people. We gain a skill or trade by the way of college or on the job training. We are taught the “mechanics” of our role and left to do our duty. However, within those duties are the underlying variable of office politics. You know, the morning pleasantries, the holiday potlucks, the brown-nosing, the o_O, and the backstabbing. The notion of office politics is often made minimal by management and administrators. The office/cooperation/brand loves to portray the image of “one nation for all” and “we are family”, but those of us with a job know better. 
It is the company’s mission to produce a product (“product” is universal) therefore outward images are paramount. Behind the face of happiness is: Debbie Downer, Betty Backstabber, Kim Kiss Ass, Todd the Tattle Tale and Anna the Angry (Suzie the slut and Harry the Ho are in there too).
Debbie Downer – Nothing goes right for Debbie. The coffee is bad, the lights are too bright, the air is too cold, her outfit is wack, and she complains about every damn thing. Most days and most people want to tell Debbie to STFU or go play in traffic. Are you “Debbie Downer”?
Betty Backstabber – Betty is usually has the gift of gab but is dumb as hell. She’s always volunteering for something, on every committee and knows nothing about nothing. Betty is usually in a leadership role or aiming for one. She sneaks around in every clique gathering information and ideas to sell as her own. This chick will lie to your face and lie on you. Her mission is to get to the top so get out of her way because she’ll typically trip over herself because it’s hard too keep up with all the BS.
Kim Kiss Ass – Kim has little to no confidence for many reasons. She’s a people pleaser and quite annoying. She’s usually tagging along with Betty because of their co-dependent nature. Most people don’t like Kim and feel sorry for her at the same time. Kim is usually the first one at work and the last to leave. She’s always pacifying and crying about something. If she wasn’t so sorry, we’d ask her to play in traffic too.
Todd the Tattle Tale – We love Todd because Todd will “get with” Betty. Todd gets under Betty’s skin and that makes us happy. Todd is easy to read and we often change to neutral subjects when he’s around. He’s pretty harmless because everyone knows to STFU when he’s around.
Anna the Angry – Anna is quite the MF.We often ask, “Who pee’d in your cereal?” Like really, you can’t be this mad at 8 a.m. but she is. Anna appears to be a well put together person, but she gripes about everything. Seemingly, she seems like Betty the Backstabber but Anna doesn’t play games with management like Betty does. Anna curses and wails at customers, clients, and fellow co-workers. Research has yet to identify Anna’s problem.
Suzie the Slut – The name tells it all. Suzie the slut has hooked up with everyone in the office. Suzie mission is to become a housewife. Suzie isn’t interested in anyone’s work, politics, or any of the like. Suzie uses what she has to get what she wants. Suzie is never in any office long enough to because she finds them, f*ck’s them and leaves.
Harry the Ho – Harry the Ho is similar to Suzie but Harry’s mission is to calm the nerves of the ladies in the office. He’s handsome, charming and charismatic. He is often sub par on intelligence and quite lazy. He uses his will and skill to “dickmatize” his prey. Unfortunately, “digging” an office full of women can become quite messy. Because around the water cooler Anna tells Kim about Harry and the fireworks begin. BAM.
Who are you? Do you know any of these people?
Around the Water Cooler offers comedic relief to ongoing issues and characters in the workplace. Do you know any of these people?
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