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Like a Good Neighbor

By August 31, 2016April 20th, 2017Short Stories

… I am there.

But in this instance, I don’t want to be really. The situation is slightly intrusive, a bit of a nuisance, and dealing with it will be awkward.

Just weird even.

I suppose there’s really only one way to solve this problem and beating around the bush isn’t it. However, the direct approach may prompt questions that I have the answers to but saying them aloud; whew, holds all the potential for aggressive reactions.

…or tears.

Tears are totally warranted in a situation like this.

Big ones.

but if this problem goes unchecked, not only am I disturbed but grave injustices are served, time and again, always on cue as well

Love-thy-neighbor

…11 PM sharp

squeak, slide, bang, bang

and because of that, I have to be a good neighbor.

I have to, that’s what people with good manners do.

They are good neighbors and good neighbors explain things but…

how do I explain to my neighbor that her man is a bad lover? I mean, he’s really bad. Let me explain, well describe, so you’ll have a complete picture why all of this is troublesome.

Picture it, every night about 11 PM for the past two years…

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

squeak, slide, bang, bang

This went on, without fail, three to four times per week for four to five minutes. More like four and never exceeding five.

Never.

That’s bad right?

As I listened, cussing and annoyed; a sense of sorrow fell upon me. I cried dry tears because this poor woman is not only suffering bad stokes and rotation, all of their rotund is atop of a flimsy Ikea-esqe bed because it’s those beds that are notorious for the squeak, slide action.

So this poor lady had to participate in less than effective nor impactful calisthenics. She had to spend the rest of her twilight time in protein juices on an air mattress upgrade.

…and you see

this is why my duties as a good neighbor had to be activated.

I must save lives to earn the good neighbor badge of gold.

like-a-good-neighbor
You don’t have to suffer.

because

…there are tips for being a “good neighbor” especially when you suspect her man is a bad lover:

  1. Laugh and be thankful that it’s not you. Life is too long to have short stacks in the sack.
  2. Interrupt those sessions with the blender, broom, and crank up the Good Times or church hymns
  3. As him, Captain Short Stack, if he hung a mirror the night before because you heard a light banging above. This should prompt him to ramp up his engines.
  4. Send an anonymous note with specific links for help or treatment
  5. Set your neighbor up on a Tinder date because again, life is long and short stacks should be reserved for brunch at IHOP.
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